The Human Element

Trump has had two interesting side effects on my view of the government, I realized the other day.  First, it has made me realize (or remember) that Congress is actually made of people, real people who make it very easy for us to usually forget that they’re more or less like us.  Second, it made me grateful that Congress can stand in the way of the President.

I think the problem is that politicians are easy to hate, and they make it easy to hate them.  It’s not that they like to be hated, but they do like to say things like “as my esteemed colleague seems to be forgetting, the thing he’s tried to do has already failed twice” or “my good friend, the senator from this other state, hasn’t been very good at representing the will of her constituency”.  They pick on each other publicly, and we’re all going numb to it.  It’s rare for anyone from one party to defend, support, or compliment anyone from the other.  And it’s not like I want more things like the shooting at the congressional ballgame practice match (or other shootings against politicians of all stripes), but it was good to hear about the democrat being the first person to get to the hospital to check on the republican who was really bad off.

But more than that, I want to remark about Brad Wenstrup, a former army field surgeon (and still in the Army Reserve, apparently) providing first responder care to Steve Scalise until Scalise could be transported to a hospital.  Take a moment and think about that.  For a moment, in that sentence, I can write about two men, one saving the other’s life, and you might not realize that they’re both elected to the US House of Representatives, and for a moment, maybe it didn’t matter to either of them.  The man shot began praying, and the other man, you could argue, answered the prayer.  I don’t know much about either beyond this story, and maybe I should research more and decide what I think of them as congressmen, but… I kind of like leaving that part of their careers by the wayside for now, for a while, and keeping them as people who needed and gave help.  They were human beings to each other, and one called on his faith while the other called on his skills and former life to help.  That means something to me, and it makes the both of them feel a bit more like the people they represent, instead of being a suit and tie and a voice that I might not always agree with.

There’s also the idea that Congress might actually be living up to its reputation of being obstructionist and difficult and intractable.  They’re pushing back against a lot of the policies I don’t like coming out of the White House, and for the first time, the folks in both houses are actually doing two things to prevent stupidity and abhorrent behavior: in many cases, they’re able to passively resist by being as ineffective as before.  In cases where the proposed policies are explicitly contrary to American law and ideals, they’ve actually been pretty good about crossing the aisle to say that it’s stupid and we’re not going to let this go on.  And while I don’t wish for a dysfunctional government, I’ll take it if needed to prevent stupidity.  And I’m happy that occasionally, when they aren’t dysfunctional, they can identify places where they can say, even if they don’t agree with which direction the country (or some particular policy) should go, they can agree enough that this particular policy or another is not the way.

I’m grateful for these things.

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One of my favorite artists, Danielle Corsetto, is kickstarting a full edition of Girls With Slingshots, one of my favorite webcomics of all time!  It was opened with a goal of $50k, passed that in the first 24 hours (I think, not sure), but is currently well funded.  All I can say is that it deserves every cent, and I don’t think you’ll regret the investment.

My Fellow Americans

I’d like to thank everyone for being here today.  And I think we all know why we’re here.

As everyone knows, America is going down the toilet.  This is the fault of two parties: first, and foremost, the ruling party in the White House and the congress, and second, and most importantly, the opposition party in both of those arenas as well.  For years, the party that you don’t like has been standing in the way of the one you do support, and as a result, democracy and progress have both been set back by hundreds of thousands of years.

Therefore, I am thrilled to announce that I will be running for Office of the President of the United States of America!

(wait for thunderous applause to subside by about 70 percent.  From here on, do this whenever a paragraph break happens)

I am so excited and grateful for the opportunity to represent the people of the You Ess of Ayy!

Under my guidance, I hope, I intend, to set this country back on the right course!

We all know that the man in the White House hasn’t been doing as well as the last person of the opposite party did.  He has been both too soft and too alienating to our overseas enemies and too strange in form and function to our allies, whom of course are becoming fewer on account of his wild antics and blatant disregard for everything he’s done.  He hasn’t been abroad enough, making sure the rest of the world knows our message.  And don’t even get me started on the economy!

Speaking of the economy, we have gone far down the wrong path.  As everyone knows from their seventh grade social studies classes, the congress controls the purse, so obviously the opposition party in congress is the group to blame.  Well, under my leadership, I think we can all agree that a new era of bipartisan will be ushered in, the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since … ever?  I’m not sure.  (awkward silence)

I know that sounds strange.  But the truth is that sometimes I am unsure about things.  Just like the common man!  Just like you!

Yes!  I am one of you, someone completely unlike the career politicians of whom you’ve become so tired of so many times in the last years.  I enjoy the occasional beer, within moderation, of course, and only those produced in either the beautiful northeast or the glorious rocky mountains, or in one of the hundreds of independent small businesses supporting the middle class!

And it’s also important to understand our roots!  I was once a working-class Joe, too, waiting tables for a summer at a Sonics in Sheboygan.  And now, after a few years of having my family put me through college, I have enough of a portfolio that even the book royalties from after the election, however it turns out, probably won’t come out to more than around ten percent of my net worth.  I’m a self-made man who also knows the problems that face old money!

Sometimes, with money comes decadence, and with decadence comes a complete collapse of the wholesome fabric of the country.  And believe me, if there’s anything that I don’t want, it is the loss of all the values you hold dear.  That is why I intend to be as completely hard-line as possible until the end of the primaries on all social policies, and then quietly recant as soon as I need to appeal to the moderates of the nation!  It has always been my personal belief that borderline voters and swing states are some of the most important resources available to the country.

And I absolutely believe that now, in these hardest of times, as we move into the unknown future that’s so much more difficult than anything any of our parents or grandparents ever had to deal with, America needs to use all the resources available to it.  This will ensure our continued global dominance, in matters relating to military, socioeconomics, culture, and Scrabble.

Frankly, I feel as though I’ve said everything I need to in order to secure the next eight years in office.  However, I believe in tradition, and tradition dictates I make some promises to secure the vote and prove to my party that things will work out.  Therefore, I promise the following:

• Instead of keeping it to Ivy League schools, the college or university I provide a commencement speech for will be determined by lottery
• I’d say “the rent is too damn high”, but honestly, I think that might just be a Maryland thing
• My wife will champion at least one but probably no more than three universally-acceptable causes involving domestic life
• Instead of keeping it to the preapproved list of five or six acceptable names, if I am given a pet by the public, the name will be determined by lottery

In any case, because of my fantastic planning, the rental on both the podium microphone and this suit are both about to run out.  So please, remember this moment.  Remember the instant in time where you heard me stand here and look into the teleprompters around me with confidence and tell you that things, all things, will be all right if you can provide me your voice, your vote, and most importantly, your money and resistance to campaign finance reform until after the reelection is finished.

Thank you!  May the god or gods of your choice bless you to at least the minimum extent required by applicable local, state, and federal regulations!  😀  Good night!

Fuck’s sake, those lights were hot!  Okay, ladies, party at the pool out back.  I tell you, three star hotels are the way to go for the pri– (mic off)